Perrys Pet Hates. The Series.



Hi Fugitives


I am planning a whole
series of “Perry & Terry Pet Hates with Pork Scratchings”


These are just a
fraction of my pet hates still in the oven. Another 3000 odd, are already on
the backburner, while many more, left to one side, to be re-heated (orre-hated)for
consumption much later..




Photographers who have their own clique.


Policemen that arrest mime artists. Do they have the right
to remain silent?


Ambiguous people that give you the benefit of the doubt.


Individuals that don’t care about apathy.


Obese fencers with mental health issues that are always out
to lunge.


People who are too afraid to ask about phobias.


That feeding your cat lemons can make it a sourpuss.


Uncommunicative people with phoneless cords.


The fact that edible cutlery would need other ways to eat
your food.


Computer experts who shop for spam at a supermarket.


How climbing into a self cleaning oven still leaves you
needing a shower.


That a crabstick looks like a lobsters erection.


Having to jump into a bucket of chicken just to see if your
girlfriend is waiting in the wings.


The need to buy a chest freezer to put hitchhikers in.


How if the ‘early bird catches the worm’ does that mean the
worm wakes up feeling like death.


The worrying fact that if a mime artist dies of a heart
attack nobody would give a shit.


How that selling your soul to the devil will make Ebay


That one day scientists will discover how smoking 80
cigarettes a day will make you smarter and add four inches to your penis.


Cheapskate hosts who invite you to their house for a chilli
evening and just spray you in the face with Mace.


That the world would be a happier place without funnybones.


Getting WD40 on your hands and having your fingers slip off.


Why Buzz Aldrin didn’t try a Frisbee on the moon.


That if I was a duck and granted three wishes by a Genie and
all I could say is was ‘Quack’.


How medical science might prove that we need to lick our
wounds like a dog and have to wear a lampshade around our neck.


That honey is bee vomit.


Getting a grizzly bear for my birthday.


Why, if a picture is worth a thousand words why I can’t
trade a Rembrandt for a newspaper.


Re-incarnating as a refrigerator and having people put
magnets all over you.


How having a daydream during a nightmare in the middle of
the afternoon is normal.


Wasting time wondering why somebody hasn’t assassinated Simon


When a policemen stops me from producing a piece of art for
the public and refuses to hand me toilet tissue.


When you book a Kissogram and a Lipogram turns up leaving
you thinking that it’s just some sort of word game.


That 39% of all statistics are worthless.


That three quarters of people don’t understand fractions.


When a bargain is something you don’t need in order not to
resist it.


That nobody has reached an age when they can do exactly as
they please.


Staying within a budget when you can do without it.


That a camel is really a horse designed by a Social Services


How people strive to be famous end up hating being


Why diets seem to work for aliens.


When grubby people go to a flea circus and steal the whole


That finding a true friend is somebody you can take
forgranted and blame for everything.


That he that laughs last has no sense of humour.


That impotence still leaves you with hard feelings.


How nearly losing your mind will mean backing it up on disc.


Necrophiliacs that feel the need to fetch  a cold one from the fridge.


The fact that in life the only change you ever get is from a
vending machine.


That people who live by the sword get run down by cars by
those that don’t.


Why rising sea levels could be stopped by putting in more


How Naval brides have to accept seamen in every shot.


The cost of prunes and how they give you a run for your


Women who fight to open your flies when it should be your
own undoing.


Holy water. What happens if you boil it to hell?


Vampire snowmen that give you frostbite.


Having to tell the difference between oral and anal
thermometers by taste.


Finding drunks right where you left them.


Plumbers who install a new bathroom and still make you piss
in the wardrobe when drunk.


Going to a prostitute and she tells me to beat it.


That Monica Lewinsky’s mouth may have withheld evidence.


Girlfriends who orgasm and shout out their own name.


Waterbeds. What happens if you drift apart?


Why sperm don’t ask for directions?


How planning for the future means buying another case of


Widows who know where their husband is every night.


Having a girlfriend that only eats as much as she can lift.


Needing to go to a singles bar to find a married person to
have an affair with.


Able bodied people who park in handicapped car spaces. Are
cretins or what?


How Jesus will never close the door on sinners even when he
was born in a barn.


That most peoples idea of risky sex is being shagged every
week by the National Lottery.


Salespeople who prefer hire purchase to cash deals. Would
you credit it?


That it takes a careless match to start a forest fire and a
whole box for a campfire.


Famous people who could kill for a Nobel prize.


Why pizzas arrive at your house quicker than the emergency


Town planners that put disabled parking spaces outside ice
skating rinks.


That brokers are trusted with your money.


Noise abatement rallies that ask motorist to honk for


That civil wars usually aren’t.


Trying to imagine a world without any hypothetical


Hoping that reality might be a hypothetical situation.


Cultured people who reproduce in their own dish.


Cruel road signs like “Cats eyes being removed’.


When roundworm feels slightly erotic.


How other than in Australia, ‘putting a sausage in
the Barbie’ might be a sexual offence.


When people buy you drug prescriptions for your birthday and
start putting labels on your CD’s.


Why Cinderella was crap at sports because her coach was a


Scabies. It really gets under my skin.


Bible advice. “The meek will inherit the earth.” Ok, but not
until I’m finished with it.

That confession may be good for the soul but bad for your
marriage and career.


“The love of money is the root of all evil.” Maybe, but at
least the kids keep in touch.


“Pride before a crash.” Just reboot. “An eye for an eye and
a tooth for a tooth.” Thank our Lord for Yellow pages.


“Turn the other cheek”. A spanking good idea.


“Pay Caesars tax to Caesar but God’s things to God.” If you
forget to pray now and again God will not abandon you. If you ever do get
lonely, try missing a couple of mortgage repayments.


That age when wild oats become Shredded wheat.


Finding out that from past experience there is no future in
time travel.


The right to bare arms may mean wearing a vest in cold

At work when the shit hits the fan maybe its time to call a


Having an affair and it’s not just your conscience that is


Dating twins. Did I get sex? Well, Yes and No.


The feint anxiety that we are as unique as everybody else.


How the genepool needs some more chlorine and the filter


That all generalisations are complete bollocks. Like this


Mortuaries. I wouldn’t be seen dead in one.


The effects of psychedelic drugs. Are they pigments of the


Lovers torn apart by haybaling accidents.


The difference between Bigamy and Monogamy. One has one too
many wives and the other ditto.


Being tricked by wordsmiths who say the words ‘gullible’ and
‘moron’ have been taken out of the dictionary.


Friends who bet you can’t give up gambling.


Couples in domestic disputes that still get charged when a
battery is not included.


Discovering why you have nits dressed in football strip is
because you have had a lot of things playing on your mind.


That friction between Neanderthal couples can be a drag


How being homeless on stretches of coastland could mean life
is a beach.


Impersonal oral sex. Having somebody trying to put wads into
your mouth.


Impersonal oral sex at Halloween. Having others try to put
weirdo’s into your mouth.


Empathetic clones who always try to put themselves in your


Vagrant thieves in sports changing halls that want to put
themselves in your shoes.


Wearing expensive Nike and your best friend wishes he was in
your shoes and runs off with your wife anyway.


People with athlete’s foot and matching odour that make you
feel glad you are not in their shoes.


When only telepathy experts know how you really feel.


How a karaoke night can decide within the first two bars if
you will ever be invited out again.


Synchronised swimming events when everybody drowns, exactly
at the same time, and the judges still disqualify the whole team.


When the difference between choosing the deep or shallow end
to swim in, decides who is the most incontinent during the night.


Individuals, who boast of having a photographic memory but
never put you in picture.


That love is blind, but that the sex can be an eye opener.


How delegation is the art of getting other staff to make you
look like you are working hard by the use of veiled threats.


That a camping site provides, convenient, ‘easy to cook’
meals for mosquitoes.


When you have to give ignorant people a reality check and it


Female shoppers, that get deals on tampons for limited
period only.


How attractive lonely hearts ads mean you can’t go out at


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex,
making it unreadable.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex,
because they can’t wait until you leave.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex,
and leave you in an awkward position.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex,
because they want to talk behind your back.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex,
and rub you up the wrong way.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex and
get your back up.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex and
leave you a reminder.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex and
somebody puts you on hold.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex and
its your ring back.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex
with you and start playing games.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex
with you and it’s not your phone that going down.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex and
all you want to do is find the Inbox.


People who text you on the phone while having doggie sex and
a trip to the clinic means you should have checked your males first.


Mouthy oldsters pushing their eighties as well as their


Good looking motorists at the roadside who become ungrateful
when offer to give them a ‘jump’.


Muscle bound boyfriend passengers who want to try and start
something and it’s not their car.


How getting things straight between friends, shouldn’t be a
hard on.


Going to some dodgy nightclubs and being asked to mate
outside your own species.


Quickie sex. Who knows if you are coming or going?


When your own Mother calls you ‘Son of a Bitch.’


Nosey lavatory attendants. Why can’t they mind their own


The fine line between a hobby and mental health issues.


Lovers who find sex great fun, no matter what they are


That if crime doesn’t pay then there is no point in looking
for another job.


Smartass Algebra students with speech impediments who think
they are weapons of math destruction.


That if I enjoyed an olive as a tasty dish, that Popeye
might beat the crap out of me.


How Tigger is always is looking for Pooh because his nose is
too near his arse.


When a blond pensioner gets dementia and no one can tell the


The worst three words you can hear when making love. “Honey,
I’m home.”


Fashionable lepers. They usually like something off the


How quadriplegic deaf mutes know who farted. Just follow
their eyes.


How you can’t tell if a Smurf is asphyxiating.


Waking up in the middle of a cattle stampede.


Arrogant paratroopers who say, “Do you think I just fell out
of the sky?”


People who change their mind like the weather. They’ve got
some front.


Family planning that means, you have to get a vasectomy
after three kids, because every fourth child is Chinese.


Fetishists that are always too tied up to see you and then
they rope you in with all kinds of strings attached.



(While every effort is made by the contributor to be
original he cannot guarantee that one or two pet hates may have been
deliberately re-edited from something he may have read elsewhere, thought
hilarious at the time, but can’t remember why, or whatever or wherever it
emerged, whatsoever!)







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