Perry & Terry’s Pet Hates..”Friends you can’t afford to lose because they owe you too much money”

“Money couldn’t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.” Spike Milligan. Born 1918.

Friends you can’t afford to lose because they owe you too much money.

Friends that always make room for you…in your fridge…in your pantry…in your garage.

Friends who never forget your birthday, and what’s more, they make sure you never forget theirs.

Friends who go on holiday with you, but deny knowing you at customs.

Friends who offer to babysit. They never do…they just offer.

Friends who don’t mind you taking them for granted. That once.

Friends that are always there for you even when you tell them to go away.

Friends who come bearing gifts they’ve borrowed.

Friends that often give you the shirt off their back…to wash.

Friends who like to ‘pick up the tab’ and give it to you.

Friends that will give up everything just so they can come and live with you.

Friends who listen to your problems and then say ‘I told you so!’

Friends who always have time for you especially when it’s your phonecall.

Friends who will always see your side of the story ..before they press charges.

Friends who will always surprise you…by giving you back your power tools.

Friends who are kind enough to provide you with overalls for the smallest job in their house.

Friends who ‘take you out for a drink’ and to prove it, even borrow money from you, to do it.

Friends who like to be over familiar with your partner because they are ‘practically family’.

Friends who cheer you up with borrowing your camcorder on their holiday in exchange for you looking after their dog.

Friends say ‘nothing is too much trouble’ unless they already have company.

Friends who ‘never share a cross word’ until they crap in your toilet.

Friends you ‘would go to the ends of the earth for’. To get away from them.

Friends who ‘will never see you on your own’ and so bring the rest of their relatives too.

Friends you meet in high places but borrow your ladder for their window cleaning round.

Friends who leave their mark. They reverse their car into yours as they leave.

Friends who drop in for dinner because they tried every other house in the street and they were out.

Friends who expect nothing in return. Because they already have most of your stuff anyway.

Friends who never like to fall out with you but still can’t stand you.

Friends who you find a good ‘port in a storm’. Even when you have been evicted from your house.

Friends who end up being the ‘life and soul of your party’. Especially, after everybody else has paid their respects.

Friends who will ‘stick up for no matter what’, until asked as a witness.

Friends who take flack for you, and try to your cover tracks, until you ask them to pretend to be the driver at a your own road traffic accident.

Friends who if you are ‘picked on’ for a street-fight will try and raise money for you by running a ‘book’ and selling do-nuts.

Friends that will willingly bonk your partner and ask you to hold up score cards.

Friends who ‘love you as you are’ and that’s why they bought you an exercise bike.

Friends who bring a bottle of wine and re-cork it to take home with them later.

Friends who don’t mind your bad habits and want to protect your health by insisting on smoking all your cigarettes for you.

Friends who like a ‘good hard shoulder to cry’ on when they have broken down in your car on the motorway.

Friends who hang out your washing for you when you are at work but is left there in the rain for when you get home.

Friends who borrow your tumble dryer for duvets and no longer ask to when your bearings have gone.

Friends who navigate on holiday and get you hopelessly lost when your own bearings have gone.

Friends who ask you to invest your money in liquidated companies when Barings were almost gone.

Friends who will stop what they are doing to make sure they stop you doing the same.

Friends who share your partners but blame you for the STD.

Friends who will even ‘stand in for you’ during family picture portraits.

Friends who help you move house and you have to get then blind drunk afterwards so they won’t ask for a forwarding address.

Friends who introduce you to their family and one of their parents offer you sex in the kitchen.

Friends who ‘know what you are thinking’ by having to explain why you cannot go to the pub at least fifteen times.

Friends who will help you understand divorce papers the same way they informed the Child Support Agency.

Friends who try not to misunderstand you when you say you need space and so take there mildewed double mattress off your front lawn.

Friends who are totally dependable. They will always say out loud at pre-natal classes how drunk you were that night.

Friends who show skill at flipping TV channels while raiding your fridge because they haven’t had a chance to go to the supermarket yet.

Friends who would give up their life willingly, for a chance to shag your teenage daughter.


“People who cannot see the funny side of boating accidents”

One Comment:

  1. Additionally there is one more factor that makes such a “blackmail” more possible – the project of the Nord Stream – The Northern European Pipeline

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