Do we still race against time when it seems to stand still?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Do firing squads need silencers for mimes?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Does the Queen ever have to show ID?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Do hexagon nut tighteners belong to Allen?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Have you ever wondered?
How can someone “draw a blank”?
How can there be self-help “groups”?
How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
How come chocolate milk doesn’t come from brown cows?
How come I can pick my ears and my nose and not my brains?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How does the man who invented cottage cheese ?
If you ate a shepherd’s pie, or a ploughman’s lunch what do they get to eat?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do they get the “Keep off the Grass” sign on the grass?
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you’ve tried some of the others?
How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
How is it possible to have a “civil” war?
How is it possible to run out of space?
How long is the long arm of the law?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How much milk is there in the Milky Way?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing “Happy Birthday?”
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
If a jogger has an ‘anti jogging mechanism’ on his Walkman…why bother?
If you die of asbestosis are you harder to cremate?
If you take anti-inflammatory tablets are you harder to cremate?
If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn’t it reverse up and down?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?
If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you completely absolute?
If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow?
If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
Who disabled a ‘disabled’ toilet?
If cats and dog didn’t have fur would we still stroke them?
If corn can’t hear, why does it have an ear?
If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of? —
If flowers don’t talk back to you, are they mums?
If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show?
If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can’t lift it?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?
If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
Can I stay sober if I put dry ice in my drink?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?
If a rabbit foot are so lucky perhaps we ought to ask the rabbit why?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation and are the prison sentences concurrent?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for yourfigure, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Can gossiping knitting circles become a vicious one?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the product says “Do not use if seal is broken”, how are you supposed to open it and use it?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don’t fill in?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you took Imodium and Exlax together who would win?
If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Is your oven more popular if it is fan assisted?
If you choke a Smurf, what coluor does it turn?
If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Is a microwave hardly noticeable across the street?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you stuck some salad on your resume would it look like you had lettuce after your name?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?
If you’re a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?
If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you’re planning on lying, do they really think you’ll tell them so?
Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don’t hunters just use flame-throwers?
Is “tired old cliché” one?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is a halfback more valuable than a quarterback?
Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?
Is a small pig called a hamlet?
Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine?
Is drilling for oil boring?
Is duck tape made out of ducks?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
Is the nose the scenter of the face?
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?
|A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
After meeting you, I’ve decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it’s hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don’t you send them a penny and square the account?
Alone: In bad company.
And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.
Any friend of yours … is a friend of yours.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are you brain-dead?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~ Earl Pitts ~
As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~ Robert Reinhold ~
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people – you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re nothing!
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?
Careful now, don’t let your brains go to your head!
Converse with any plankton lately?
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
Do you want do die stupid?
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
Doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words.
Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Don’t get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
Don’t let your mind wander — it’s too little to be let out alone.
Don’t mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.
Don’t thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.
Don’t think, it may sprain your brain!
Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling —- in your skull?
Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I’ve wanted to cut it down.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Fat? You’re not fat, you’re just … fat.
For two cents I’d give you a piece of my mind – and all of yours.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
Go fart peas at the moon !!
Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
Has the IQ of lint.
Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport?
He can open his mail with that nose!
He can think without moving his lips!
He comes from a long line of real estate people — they’re a vacant lot.
He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly.
He doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. –From “Steel Magnolias”
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap — always closed!
He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.
He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.
He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.
He is always lost in thought — it’s unfamiliar territory.
He is dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.
He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is so conceited his eyes behold each other perfectly.
He is so short his hair smell like feet
He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
He is so old that his blood type was discontinued. ~ Bill Dana ~
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her; for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.
He smells the coffee, but can’t find the pot / a cup.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
He’d steal the straw from his mother’s kennel.
Hello – tall, dark and obnoxious!
Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
He’s got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.
He’s just visiting this planet.
He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
He’s so dense that light bends around him.
He’s so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.
He’s so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.
He’s the first in his family born without a tail.
He’s the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it.
He’s the reason brothers and sisters shouldn’t marry.
Hey, act your age — senile!
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
His brain waves fall a little short of the beach.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
His origins are so low, you’d have to limbo under his family tree.
His personality’s split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy.
His suitcase doesn’t have a handle.
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
How many years did it take you to learn how to breathe?
I always wanted to be a troubleshooter but now I see you are not worth it!
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I can tie a coffee bean to my butt and swim across the Columbia River and make a darker stain than that (about weak coffee.)
I can’t seem to remember you name, and please don’t help me!
I can’t talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?
I certainly hope you are sterile.
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don’t know who you are, but whatever it is, I’m sure everyone will agree with me.
I don’t mind that you are talking so long as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.
I don’t think you are a fool. But then what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?
I don’t want you to turn the other cheek. It’s just as ugly.
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.
I hear what you’re saying but I just don’t care.
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is – just plain rank!
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need someone to snub.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department — by a pair of handcuffs.
I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the gorilla.
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I heard that your brother was an only child.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody’s fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I know you’re a self-made man. It’s nice of you to take the blame!
I know you’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
I like you. People say I’ve no taste, but I like you.
I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.
I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I understand you, but thousands wouldn’t!
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that!
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?
I worship the ground that awaits you.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can’t count that high.
I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn’t get offended.
I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.
I wouldn’t piss in his ear if his brain was on fire!
I’d hate to see you go, but I’d love to watch you leave!
I’d like to give you a going-away present … but you have to do your part.
I’d like to have the spitting concession his grave.
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I’d like to leave you with one thought … but I’m not sure you have a place to put it!
I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass. (Thanks, llaje)
I’d love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I’d rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.
I’d slap you senseless … but I can’t spare three seconds!
If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.
If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used.
If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents!
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I’m glad.
If I want any shit outta you I’ll squeeze your head.
If I want your stupid opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
If I wanted to hear from an ass, I’d fart.
If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn’t say hello, I’d say boo!
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If manure were music, you’d be a brass band.
If sex were fast food, you’d have an arch over your head.
If she was cast as Lady Godiva the horse would steal the show.
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s practically invulnerable.
If you act like an ass, don’t get insulted if people ride you.
If you don’t like my opinion of you – improve yourself!
If you ever tax your brain, don’t charge more than a penny.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you had another brain like the one you’ve got, you’d still be a half-wit.
If you were a body of water, you’d be a kiddie pool.
If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.
If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn’t fill an M&M.
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.
I’m blonde, what’s your excuse?
I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
I’m not as dumb as you look.
Instead of being born again, why don’t you just grow up?
Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?
It is mind over matter. I don’t mind, because you don’t matter.
It is such a shame to ruin such beautiful blonde hair by dying your roots black.
You’re so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.
You’re the best at all you do – and all you do is make people hate you.
Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly too.