Pagan Man Becomes a Born Again Christian After Dying (adult spoof news by Perry Estelle)

“Pagan becomes Born Again
Christian!  Villagers say, “Druid should
be a Shaman of Himself.”

Jerry Hatrick, a 93 old retired heathen, temporarily,
clinically ‘died ‘  with full pagan
ritual at Stonehenge yesterday, after an ancient  Celt ceremony celebrating ‘new life’ went
horribly wrong. Then, after this esoteric event, sprang to life again, almost a
day later with a new faith.

Local Druid, Trevor Kumquat , was presiding over a pagan practice
of deflowering a virgin the moment the sun rises.  Mr Hatrick was chosen as the ‘sacred phallic protrusion’
and about to engage in the ‘Jousts of Venus’ with  54 year old lesbian, Dusty Satchel.  He was supposed to ‘choose the path less travelled’,
when he inadvertently caught his bamboo between two of the stones, stubbed his
toe on the altar, and then slipped head first into the cauldron. White witches
fought to free him from the seething liquid of donkey genitalia and tortoise
entrails, and in a last bid, Lithuanian white witches, Dolly Krakatau & Bet
Sarroff,  tipped the boiling pot over
spilling Mr Hatrick and its disgusting contents onto the hallowed ground, what
now emerges,  as ‘just in the nick of
time’.

Frederica  Axminster, another
waiting sacrificial victim, commented, “Shame really, I even brought a vacuum
pump to help out. After all its only once a year.”

Paramedic at the scene, Phil Malappels, spoke to our
reporter,  “85% percent of Mr Hatrick’s body
suffered 3
rd degree burns, and the other 15% were badly  stained with the blood of a headless badger,
and the contents of a pig’s scrotum.”

To the amazement of surgeons, their patient  had shown no vital signs, right up to
lunchtime, the next day, suddenly, came out of deep coma, believing he was ’born
again.’

Mr Hatrick has since made a full recovery and attends a
local Anglican Church where he is claimed to speak in tongues after four
glasses of morphine.

When approached his Spanish carer, Angelica Tapioca, spoke frankly
as a staunch Roman Catholic, about her view of such an astonishing conversion.

“Issa no skin offa my nose, Senor, whatta you believa. SiMeester
Atrick, he believa hiss ‘born again’. Jessus Chrast ! Listen,Matey! He might as
well be fleepin’ ‘born again, becossa 
issa lika a baby with all the flippin’ nappies heesa get through hitcha
day that driva mee crazy!!””

Mr Kumquat , the self-made Druid responsible for organising
the annual event, claims he has been shunned by local folk.

“I’m cancelling next year.  Nobody in the village speaks to me now. Not
easy to put up with when you’re the postman, is it? They have all turned their
back on me. They ought to try being a druid and perhaps they’d understand how
hard it is to find a virgin these days…… and I’m not asking my sister again.”

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