North American Natives Swap Rain Dance for Hosepipe Ban by Perry Estelle
The tedious hosepipe ban in the UK has spread as far as The Dustbowl of Arizona where over forty indigenous tribes met for a hosepipe shredding ceremony at the weekend.
The Blackfoot, Iroquois and Apache met with the Cheyenne and the Sioux to encourage rain by adopting our imposed hosepipe ban.
Chief ‘Sitting Duck’, had only one reservation.
“Sacred rain dance has pleased the Great Spirit from our early ancestors for many moons. The Brits are taking um piss.”
Paradoxically, as if by some caprice of nature, as soon as the British Water companies enforced a hosepipe ban earlier this month, over 6 metres of rain has fallen on the M6 alone, within forty seconds yesterday.
Southern Water spokesman, Stan Pipe, said: “We must enforce the ban after our 2 driest winters. We usually stop our customers having water they already own, or have paid rates for anyway as a matter of course. Besides, it worked in 1976 and we are getting away with it now, so who’s the Daddy?”
The North American Cherokee Nation used rain dances for centuries because they weren’t on a meter. This all changed when ‘Red Cloud’ and his wife ‘Warm Front’ turned the ceremony on its head. They decided over much prayer to conduct a brand new tribal ritual to publicly order the destruction of 85 garden hoses from 16ft spools, usually purchased from garden centres, to higher quality, ‘un-kinkable’ 50ft wall mounted reels with 12 option jet variance pistol grips, found in more popular hardware stores. Why? Because the Native Indian Community hoped to coax the heavens to unleash its fresh aqua, to prove that hosepipe bans actually cause rain to fall instantly.
The ritual commenced with a slow erotic dance with squaws coiling the hoses around their naked bodies, to seduce the rain gods, and using full tap pressure, and fine cone settings, they started to have a race with their nipples, that were by now, proudly sticking through, skimpy thin antelope hide halter tops. The warrior braves then pulled on each other’s pipes and ended the spectacle, by smashing their hoses into pieces with tomahawks in front of a frenzied crowd.
‘Running Sore’ a Mohican who is a part time barber who likes to cut hair on the side, thought the symbolism too modernistic, and against their core ethnicity. He commented.
“What um next? Jet washer burning? I think idea heap big load of shite.”
Weather experts were present, with an eager media crew and waited anxiously after the ceremony, to see if rainclouds did form. After the festivity, 8000 gazed skywards, looking for the first sign of just one drop of the precious H2o. After hours of craning necks, a subdued and disenchanted troupe of tribes left, heads bowed and shuffled back to their tipis.
From a treetop in the desert, one Navajo scout suddenly whooped and pointed to one of his elders over yonder, using a Wallmart lawn sprinkler, to wash his mustang. With outrage the heaving crowd, swooped on the startled old man, and the mob scalped him, without mercy for breaking the spell weaved by the new magic hosepipe ban shredding ritual..
The man who violated the hosepipe ban, was left tied by each limb, to a tanning frame in direct sunlight, and made to have gravel put in his moccasins. 30 seconds later the heavens opened. The angry crowd, turned from savagery to one of glee and rapture. The man was then cut down and raised aloft , hailed a demi-god and the new possessor of rainmaking powers.
So may be likened to the honour of this old native American, who could make rain just by disobeying silly hosepipe bans.
The moral of this news release is highlighted by a member of the fourth generation Hopi tribe who was himself a career lawn sprinkler due to drunken incontinence.
Chemo Subby said to our reporter,
“What’s a bloke got to do to get a drink around ‘ere? I’m spitting feathers, so feck the weather for once, and point me to the firewater, yer tightassed paleface bastard..?”