That after seeing one shopping centre you have seen a mall.
How your last will and testament can be a dead giveaway.
Stupid exclamations by do-gooders, who say things like, “Your wallet was found by a tree.”
How positive blood results make you feel negative.
How passing urine leaves you wondering who came third.
How methane found in affectionate cows means they may need a cattle-lick converter.
How rhubarb looks like celery after a night on the piss.
That mishearing your physician, when he has a camera up your arse, can lead to you paying attention to your vowels for the rest of the week.
That seeing a chicken on a rotisserie is poultry in motion.
That paying for the chicken when it’s on offer is a poultry sum.
That the days of diary keeping are numbered.
Because a spelling error as easy as ‘filtration’ instead of ‘flirtation’ may mean a quick shag might clear the air.
That jumping into a river in Paris is in Seine.
The fact that under the new paedophile act, that most Father Christmas’ will not renew their work contract because of too many other clauses.
The disturbing fact, that the words, Monogamy and Monotony, are on the same page in my dictionary.
If there was another word for epilepsy it might be more fitting.
People that whinge about motion sickness. Eat shit and die.
Peeping Tom professors, that prefer just to lecture.
Famous dyslexics, that receive lots of letters but usually in the wrong order.
Evicted exorcists. They may have to be repossessed.
Unhealthy upholsterers. Waiting to be fully recovered but still with pins and needles.
Having futile arguments with vagrants, who just want to beg to differ.
Vain ‘Cake-o-grams,’ who are too wrapped up in themselves.
Rookie soldiers who fail military basic training because of an STD and have to wait for the discharge.
Babysitters who when you ask them to look after your children, surprise you when they say ‘I don’t mind.”
Thoughtless kidnappers, who take their hostages forgranted.
Unreliable pall bearers who don’t turn up, forcing you to use a sack barrow.
Depressed hitchhikers who moan the moment you try to give them a lift.
Clumsy but honest surgeons who have you wearing your heart on their sleeve.
Continence nurses who have to manually evacuate. It turns my stomach.
Spilling some extra virgin oil on your paving slabs when you already have a well laid patio.
That insanity is curable but stupidity isn’t.
That a lot of very vocal people have principles they never have to stand up for.
The fact that Amazon women warriors wanted to hunt they had to remove a breast to use a bow to get a clean shot. At what stage was twanging your right nipple now and again less preferable than a mastectomy without pain management?
Making love and getting cramp.
Making love and getting cramp before an erection.
Making love and getting cramp and passing it off as an erection.
Making love and getting cramp when you aren’t even doing anything.
Super Heroes that fly in the face of health and safety.
People who are educated far beyond their own intelligence.
Constipated people who antagonise people just so they can get the crap beaten out of them.
How people with multiple personality disorders that murder only get one life sentence.
How people with multiple personality disorders that murder need more than one jury.
How people with multiple personality disorders in the above predicament claim to be innocent because of a hostage situation.
When senile cannibals forget their manners.
That point you start to feel old when Hakle moists and Malted milk drinks are first on the shopping list.
When people complain of having every known disease and ailment apart from hypochondria.
The fact that nobody knows what to say when God sneezes.
That if everybody boycotted prayers for one day, God would think he needs a deaf aid?
That if Buddism is about self denial how did he get so fat?
Driving to church for a service and the vicar hasn’t brought his socket set.
Absent minded glider pilots that have forgotten their thermals and put their wife’s knickers on instead.
Dragster drivers, with high cholesterol who have the angioplasty procedure, while the chute is open.
Women who like to keep the chute open and they don’t even drive a dragster.
Having to keep two mistresses, when there is nothing to it.
Self-deprecating people who tell themselves to fuck off, before you have a chance to.
Those dog lovers who preach “A dog is forever not just for Christmas,” when a turkey only lasts three weeks after the event.
Why medicine bottles have stupid labels that say, ‘To be taken orally’ and the pharmacist is already dating someone.
Anal rape of any kind, but especially not, when already in ‘the recovery position’.
The immediate benefit of a tea towel after the death, of Yassar Arafat.
Steeple jacks who get blamed for damaging weather vanes, and it’s not there cock up.
Gay steeplejacks that won’t go down, unless they already have a cock up.
Misinformed farmers, who try to ban GM crops, when it’s not their chosen field.
People who have vertigo and refuse to pay their council rent because its inner ears.
Lazy bailiffs, that won’t put themselves out for you.
People that take the piss out of cross-eyed people, just because they have a funny way of looking at things.
Those same people who have a cast in their eye, and just roll the credits instead.
Appreciated wives, that insist on the missionary position, out of habit, because their husbands wouldn’t have them any other way.
Bilious sufferers with reflux problems that then have a hiccup with the medication.
Married couples that don’t have sex anymore, because there is, no pleasing each other.
People who ‘joyride’ in heaven, turning up in a cloud of cloud.
Out of work tailors, who are waiting for something to turn up.
Rowdy campanologists, always ready for a good ding-dong.
Complaining lawn specialists, who like to bemoan.
Obnoxious gynaecologists that want to start their own smear campaign.
Gay barbers who look at the top of a lot of heads but never take their scissors out of the case.
Bakers in moments of weakness, who make holes in donuts, using some wood.
The same Bakers, who know how to make their own cream horns.
Fairground owners who will not meet tax inspectors and just like to dodge ‘em.
Fairground owners, who sometimes pay their income tax, sometimes not. It’s all swings and roundabouts.
Frustrated auctioneers, who have to put up with a lot.
Unreliable auctioneers who are always separating from their wives. Going once, going twice, going three times.
Florists with mental health issues and are not too tightly wrapped themselves
Shrewd Jewish Xmas shoppers who always ask what the Holly cost.
Thieves with curvature of the spine, who use their disability to defraud the benefits system. What else will they stoop to?
Freelance magistrates, that hire out their services, on a trial basis.
Impatient prostitutes who hire out their services on a first come, first served basis.
Homeless tailors that live in each others pockets.