Local Baths Closed Because Of Infestation Of Centipedes Wearing SCUBA (Humour/Spoof)

Up to 78 large centipedes measuring several yards long have been found drowned in a Dymchurch swimming pool.
Lifeguard, Seraphim Richards explained to The Haddock what met his eyes, as he went about his work at 7am this morning.
“I came into work, and I thought, ‘funny, there’s a bloody centipede in the pool’, and sure enough, there was a 4 four foot centipede, belly-side up, in the pool! Then I looked again and I thought again, ‘funny’, the bloody centipede is only a wearing a full set of diving kit,’ and sure enough I looked, and there was a centipede with full diving gear on, except for the flippers…..I thought ‘funny’ it’s not even wearing any flippers, and then I remembered we didn’t have enough in stock.”
Marine biologist and chiropodist, Justin Trunks, said that for health reasons the pool must close because of possible infection.
“If just one of these centipedes had athletes foot, can you imagine the health threat to this environment?” He said.
‘Gethsemane Leisure’the owners of the building, work closely with the council. A representative emailed and offered his professional opinion as to why the insects drowned.
“They probably hit their heads choosing to dive in the shallow end. It’s hard to tell in the dark, as I doubt any these creatures could reach the light switch.”
The “Genesis” swimming baths had only been refurbished recently, and the anxiety as to its present closure for any indefinite period, was of concern to people needing swimming lessons.
Non-swimmer , Wanda Aboot aired her concerns,
“I was going to learn to swim, but now I’m so scared of water I cycle to work in a snorkel while free-wheeling by the canal.”
Swimming pool boss, Mr Kiefer Locker, conducted some environmental tests of his own.
“It’s humid. It’s moist, and under these conditions, most infestations occur and mutate, when doused with different chemicals used to clean a swimming pool. Used shower gel, left to fester in shower rooms is full of parasites and a haven for disease, because it contains plants, like, Aloe Vera and processed fruits like mango and kiwi. A veritable, feast for virulent pests. Chlorine is bleach! It’s used to break down the 2 kilos a day of human body fat, and female menstruation that create that sticky, soapy, grey ring around the inside of the pool. People spit, pee and, yes, poop!….. In a swimming pool! They blow, and pick their noses. They have verucas, genital infections like warts and thrush, with open sores and eczema, or dermatitis. Who in their right mind would go swimming anyway! I don’t, and I run the place.”
Mr Locker was ushered away, by men in dark suits with violin cases and was no longer available for comment, due to an appointment, said one man, ‘Sergio’ followed by his string quartet, who had a ‘gig at a cement factory’. ‘Louigi, and the boys’ escorted our news team off the premises, saying “it is for your own safety, Signor.” Which we did, reassured by another comment, “that is…..if you ever want to see your mother again!”

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