Government Plans To Give Child Benefit To Actual Kids by Perry Estelle (spoof news)

Government Plan to Give Child Benefit to Actual Children. By Perry Estelle

Amidst a raging debate on the benefits of not having child benefits when you are too rich to give a toss either way, leaves a devastating effect on many families on high and low income. In the wake of austere cuts to reduce the National deficit caused by squandering ministerial financiers in charge of our public money, the Government is angling to take back family child allowance in a bid to appear even-handed with low to wealthy wage earners.

All families were entitled to the funds provided since the 1970’s and were provided for married and unmarried Mothers. Rich, or poor. Fragmented families, in or out, of work.

When Fathers started raiding the tea caddy on fireplaces, all over the UK in the ensuing years, to use the ‘free cash’ to go for a pint with, it was just a matter of time, before the Government ‘cottoned on’ eventually, and wanted to sanction this ideal to stop citizens from having a simple allowance for their children to pay for such sundries as washable nappies, paraffin, school uniforms and daily dinner money.

Since 1974 families from poor backgrounds are having larger families, because of the financial advantages of cashing in on around £15 per child each week. So to have eight children meant a staggering £6240 a year is paid by taxpayers, or comparative income to the wage of live in nanny.

Whereas, under sneaky new measures, if you earn over £40k a year you can probably already afford a live in nanny to look after your kids, but would rather spend your own kids allowance on an afternoon, in Harvey Nicholls to do ‘brunch’, as opposed, to buying scratch cards, 20 Superkings and a 3 litre bottle of White Lightning cider.

The question is: Who is eligible for child allowance?

Is it just Mothers? Is it for children who have their Dad, as single carer, who is on jobseekers allowance, but was paid a huge pension by a large corporate bank?

Would celebrities be entitled, if they got a baby online? Is it for Mothers that have their babies in prison?

Is it for 1 in 9 Mothers who are already too young to claim child benefit allowance? Is it for fathers and Mothers in rehab, who take turns to look after their child, when they are sober, or clean enough?

Is it for Mothers who don’t know, or care who the father is, or worse, have four different fathers?

Is it for Mothers who have a child by their father who is cheating on your sister at the same time, while your brother dates your niece, the probation officer?

These and many other questions raise, another child raising question?

Why not just give the money to our kids?

Adults stop squabbling over child allowance! It’s supposed to be for your children anyway!

The lobby group W.O.N.G.A. ‘Woman Otherwise Not Getting Allowance’ believe kids should get tokens for being a child.

WONGA have devised a piece of software that pays virtual tokens to children and will receive their benefit on an investment related, performance criteria voucher savings cheme.

For example: Each child under 18 gets 1000 tokens a month worth £60 in child allowance (or money).

The interactive software asks the child how they want to use their tokens when paid?

A drop down menu offers a variety of options:

Invest in a Government pension Scheme

Learn a trade

Raise HIV&AIDS awareness

Save for Pony lessons

Conserve Wildlife

Pay into an ISA

Save for a steam iron

Adopt a starving Sudanese child

Pay for membership in Freemasonry at the nearest Lodge.

TKMAX vouchers

Save for new IPhone

Warner Bros cinema tickets once a week until your 18th birthday

All unused vouchers will be paid into a Post office account, that acts like a Trust fund. The GPO gets a share of the interest in each pound saved. Giving a lump sum of cash when the participants do reach 18. If not redeemed after 6 months the unclaimed voucher value is given to local charities or out of work scoutmasters.

The giant plus to this scheme is that no money changes hands and mothers in the top earning bracket won’t miss the money for a new brand of Earl Grey, and low income parents won’t try to score gear with it. Even Post Offices will stay open as every child will use it to save or spend.

A local group of youths smoking skateboards were asked outside a derelict airfield what they thought about the scheme. Winston ‘The Jackal’ Richards, said,

“At the end of the day, my Mum and Dad, only waste their dole on food and ‘lectric, so, it’s probably better if I have a say, on ‘ow it is spent…. am I right? The fact is, I will use the voucher scheme as long as me mates, don’t take the piss….Like, y’know…like… ohhh ‘ere, goes the Jackal, he is well gay, spending ‘is tokens on this shit, when it ain’t proper good shit, keep it real, talk to the ‘and, nah wot I mean, bruv?’”


  1. This person essentially make severely posts I might like. This is the very first time I frequented your website page and thus far? I amazed with the research you made to make this actual publish extraordinary. Magnificent process!

  2. I am enjoying reading your article. It grabbed my interest and I could read it over over again. I really like this content. Thank you.

Comments are closed