EDL Thug Punchs Pub Owner For Serving A Baguette by Perry Estelle (spoof)

EDL thug punches pub owner for serving a baguette

Mr Bern Bibby, a leading member of the EDL pleaded ‘not guilty’ in a Romford courthouse yesterday, proclaiming his innocence to a charge of  ‘violent assault’ on a local pub owner, Mr Lawrence Screed of “The Pickled Skittle”.

In his statement Mr Bibby relates the incident from his recollection of events leading up to the assault in an interview with The Fugitive.

“I go into the pub after our annual ‘Close the Borders’ campaign, for a quiet pint and summit to eat. What does he serve me? A f******* French stick, when it clearly says ‘baguette and Stilton with bacon’ on the f******* menu! I thought, he’s ‘aving a laugh! So, I took him outside and played a tune on his F******* ribs, wiv me boots, that swot!”

When Mr Bibby was asked, in mitigation, why he was given to a burst of mindless violence he replied in his defence.

“Any t*** knows that a French stick is not a baguette. Baguettes are generally made as partially free-form loaves, formed with a series of folding and rolling motions, raised in cloth-lined baskets or in rows on a flour-impregnated towel, called a ‘couche’, and baked either directly on the hearth of a deck oven or in special perforated pans designed to hold the shape of the baguette while allowing heat through the perforations…”

Mr Bibby went on to explain..

“..on the other hand a French stick while derived from Vienna originally in the 17th century, was at that time, made with rice flour from China, SOOOO its hardly f******* French, is it? It’s one loaf trying to be another loaf. A French stick is a poor substitute! It’s thinner and longer, less airy in texture and so goes stale in a few hours and better off as a f******* walking stick! So, I stuck one on the muppet. The French don’t like their bread being f****** about.”

Counsellor, Horace Tories, closed with derisory comments on Mr Bibby’s sentence given to serve 30 hours community service, loading ‘Sunblest’ lorries, “an appalling decision, considering this man’s obvious sound knowledge of continental crusty loaves.”

“Mr Bibby, indignant, said to newsmen “ I would rather shovel s*** in a curry house, than to work for the white bread supremacists destroying our baking culture, and feeding the ever hungry jaws of the food giants. Viva la France! Up the Frogs!”

Contrary to his earlier protests, Mr Bibby has ‘used his loaf’ and paid his debt to society with an element of satisfaction.

“It’s all in the past. There was some reward during my rehabiltation. I worked with two gorgeous Latvian lasses. There’s something about Eastern European girls in nylon pop away uniforms. Phhwwoooarr! One’s got nice baps and her mate’s buns aren’t bad either! You could call them, my ‘roll’ models…heh.heh, gettit?”

His case for professional misconduct and staff molestation comes up next month.

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